Purple Saprkly Unicorn Shite

So tonight KH asked me why I have been so tense and jumpy the past few days.  And I realized I’m so damned scared and frustrated.

At the end of this month, I will be finished taking the B1 course.  The school may or may not offer a B2 course next month, it depends on how many people are interested.

But that’s not the point.  The point is that by the end of B1, I should be conversant in German, and I’m not.  I don’t speak German.

Which means I can’t get a job.  

Which isn’t entirely true… I was told there was a company whose name I won’t mention who hires absolutely anyone to be a language teacher, because they are so awful to work for that they have constant turnover.

It’s not in my field, but let’s face it, my field is “Advanced Secretary” and if I don’t speak German, there is nothing for me in my field.

So, unless the UN suddenly calls me back this month, I will be applying at said company.

And, at 37, have managed to fail ALMOST to the bottom.

So yes, I am tense.  And frustrated.  And in two or three years, maybe I will speak enough German to get a job I am qualified for.

And no, I can’t talk about this without crying, which makes it kind of useless to try to plan.

So we had stuff we needed, which meant today was time to make an expedition to a hardware store.  We needed a fan, and we need a way to screen our windows so that m0053 (in particular) does not leap to his tiny kitty death in the street.  Or, more likely, fall the two stories to his death.  We made a temporary fix when I got here at the end of last summer, but it really only prevents sudden attacks on the windows, and the windows have to be closed when we are asleep or not here.  Which, in a land devoid of air conditioning, makes for a pretty miserable summer.

Unfortunately, we have really, REALLY annoying windows for this.  There are two sets of windows, an outside and inside set:

BOTH sets of windows have to be open to have open windows.  And they both open inward.  Which means all that lovely space where you THINK you could put a screen?  No.

A screen has to go outside the outside windows. And these are very, VERY common windows, easily half or more of the Viennese windows are like this.  KH has firmly nixed any permanent structure mounted outside, he is not going to endanger life and/or limb trying to climb around.  Nor will he let me do so.

Ideally, we would just grab a retractable window screen of the right size.  It sticks in, opens up, goes in and out very easily.  We used them at another house I lived in in the US.  They kept the cats in just fine.  

One problem.  They don’t exist here.  We went to the hardware store and spoke to several of the employees.  Not only does that kind of thing not exist here, they had nothing at all to offer us for our type of window.  Have I mentioned that more than half of Viennese windows are in this style?  And yet, there is no possible screen for them.

Sometimes I am really blown away by the European willingness to just accept suckage.  A city in the US where more than half the buildings had these types of windows would quickly have contractors specializing in fixing the issue, a dozen different products for remedying the situation, SOMETHING.  As it is, I think we’re going to end up importing sliding frame window screens from the US.

What we DID get was bendy plastic cable covers… which we hope will prove stiff enough to keep the screen in, and yet flexible enough to bend so we can pull them in and out without cracking.  Those plus insect netting (for the first try), a heavy-duty stapler (for assemblage) and a plastic-saw (for cutting the cable covers to size) will be our first experiment.  Oh, and we also got a fan.

And home!  On the way, I asked KH if, since we were being so productive, we could take my kitchen knife to the knife store down the block to be sharpened.  My German is exactly good enough to walk into the store, pull out the knife, and ask for it to be sharpened.  ANY CURVE BALLS WHATSOEVER, and I am lost.  Utterly.  Which means I need KH with me.

As we are getting off the subway with our hardware store loot, a blast of smell hits us.  Right, there is a legalize marijuana demonstration on the big shopping street off of which we live.  A GIANT demonstration.  KH sniffs the air and goes “oh, yes.”  I also sniff and say “SKUNK!”

He leans in with a very patient look and explains we are probably smelling marijuana.  I return the patient look, and explain skunk.

Home, drop off hardware store loot, grab knife, put in backpack, head back out.  It takes us about ten minutes to get through the demonstration to the knife shop approximately half a block away.  

We go in, I remove my beautiful Wustof 8” Chef’s knife from my bag and place it on the counter.  She says it will take a week to sharpen.  KH offhandedly lets me know, at which point I FLIP.  ”A WEEK! NO WAY!”  I grab back my knife.  

KH:  What?  You need it sharpened!

Me:  I ALSO need to EAT for the next week.  How am I supposed to CUT anything without it?

KH:  *talks to the woman a bit in German* It’s going to take a week.  It doesn’t matter when you bring it in.

Me:  I’ll find another way.  Another shop, or I’ll buy a sharpener and learn to sharpen.

KH:  Don’t be dramatic.  We HAVE knives.

(No, no we don’t.  This is his entire knife collection) 

(note that the large knife is both serrated and bendy.  As is the medium knife, for that matter.)

It is obvious at this point that the woman understands English, even if she doesn’t speak it, because she is totally laughing her ass off at us.  Also, when I said “I’ll buy a sharpener,” she proceeded to get down a sharpener from the display case.  And since I also know my knives (and therefore tended to know at least what she was talking ABOUT), and can get out some German sentences, KH was both required and oddly superfluous.

KH:  Fine.  We’ll get a second knife.  Then you can get this one sharpened.

Me:  This knife cost $120 in the US.  It’s twice as much here.  

The woman goes to the display case and takes down an 8” knife and brings it over.  It’s 60€.  I say (in German), “That’s not Wustof.”  She says no, the Wustof knife is 82€.  

KH and I generally argue:  about the sharpener, about needing the knife sharpened, about getting a new knife.  In the meantime, the woman discreetly slips a cardboard blade cover out of the drawer and covers my Wusthof blade with it.  I think she was worried one of us might use it.

Skipping ahead, I am finally convinced to purchase a second, different knife.  A Wustof Santoku.  For only 60€.  It also turns out that “Santoku” is the same word in English and German.  At least, when I say “Santoku,” she picks the right thing out of the cabinet.  

She completes our pick-up slips, and KH pays for the knife, and then she starts explaining something to him.  I understand him saying “EVERY time?” and her emphatically agreeing “EVERY time.”  I ask him, “Is she saying I should be honing it?”  ”Yes,” he says.  ”I KNOW.  Do you have any idea how much honers COST here*?”  He quickly hustles me out of the store.

I find out later that the whole time I was giving my monologue about “how will I cut cheese?  How will I cut bacon?  How will I cut onions?” she was backing me with “There is NOTHING like a good kitchen knife.”  

Thus proving once again that language is no barrier to that true spiritual understanding that can flourish between two people.

*I deliberately did not bring a honer with me, because they cost $10-15, and backpack space was at a premium.  I purchased and brought the Wustof knife because I saw how much more expensive they were here.

Honers in the shops on our street start at 50€.  Same as box graters for cheese.  I am sure I can find cheaper ones online, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

So KH loves my mac’n’cheese (I admit, getting the Gouda, Raclette and Fontina in Europe gives it a bit of an edge), and my mashed potatoes.  He “doesn’t like lime juice” but really likes my fajita-style burritos (the chicken is marinated overnight in lime juice).  He thinks English Muffins and Rice-a-Roni are bland, but went gaga for my black bean and chorizo soup, and the chorizo-rice-egg burritos (I brought back English muffins, Rice-a-Roni and Mexican chorizo from my last US trip).  Pasta with A1 sauce?  A big fan.

But tonight I made Sloppy Joe’s.  I found Manwich at Bobby’s, and have been waiting for hamburger buns to come in season (soft buns of any type are specialty items here, the semmel are harder sandwich buns which just won’t work with Sloppy Joe’s).

I made my own “recipe”, which involves throwing in some chopped onion and chipotle peppers to the beef and sauce.

I toast two buns, put them on his plate, hand them to him, and go to pour myself some ginger ale.

When I look again, he has topped the four bun pieces with Sloppy Joe’s and is eating them open-faced.  I point out he is supposed to eat them like a sandwich.  He stares in disbelief.  ”But then when I bite it, all this will go everywhere!”  ”yes, that’s why they’re called Sloppy Joe’s.”  ”And that’s a GOOD thing?”

He likes them a great deal, but refuses to eat them sloppy.  I don’t know if he is a genius or a heretic.

So, yesterday I posted about 2 women (no longer) in my German course who annoyed me because they were immature and mean and behaved in stereotypical fashions which offended my feminism.  And a dear friend said they probably also annoyed other people.  Today I am writing about the OTHER Very Annoying Person in my class and how I found out that she does, indeed, annoy everyone.

Here’s the thing:  She seems nice enough in the class-is-not-in-full-swing-this-very-moment sessions.  And I share some of her bad habits.  So I am not harshing on her as badly as I was yesterday, where I think those women might actually be Bad People.  But holy FUCK is she annoying.  Here is what she does:  never, ever stops making noise.  I would say “talking” except that what comes out of her mouth most of the time is speech so quiet as to just be an unintelligible buzz.  Loud enough to distract, but you can only understand if you really focus on it.  But that’s ok, because you know what she is saying:  either the answer, or repeating someone else 3-4 words behind.  

You know what?  It’s easier to make a list:

• She calls out the answer to every question, usually before the teacher is finished asking it.  This is irritating enough when someone is always right, but she’s not, she’s only right about half the time.  This is one of those times I was hesitant to say anything ever, because I do this sometimes, too.  Call out the answers.  But I will do this once or twice a class, maybe.  Not with every answer.
• She does this even when another person is specifically called on in advance.
• If it’s the third or fourth time the teacher has specifically called on someone in advance (note: she must learn this lesson anew every single class), she will instead repeat along after the person 2-3 words into the answer.  Even if the answer was in the form of writing your own sentence, so I don’t really know what she’s “repeating.”  Giving her own answer?  Trying to guess what the other student wrote?
• On those occasions when the class works in a circle, either reading a paragraph a sentence at a time or giving one answer from the exercise at a time, the circle stops when it gets to her.  She will continue reading and giving answers until the teacher forcibly interrupts her and moves it on to the next person.  
• She reads without inflection, as if she is reading a list of words and not a coherent sentence.  This is another time I sympathize with her, because if I have just been presented with a paragraph in German, I also will read with either no or the decidedly wrong inflection, until I have a chance to puzzle thoroughly what it means.  She reads sentences she just wrote this way.
• If someone else is reading, she reads along out loud, 2-3 words behind.  Yes, even if it is the teacher.
• If the teacher is explaining something, she repeats the last 2-3 words of each sentence the teacher says.
• And yet, in group work, she refuses to do her part.  Again, I have some sympathy.  I hate group work for a number of reasons, and if the teacher assigns us to groups and I can get away with being the odd one out who has to do the assignment on my own?  I will totally do that.  However, she jumps into her group and then does nothing.  ”Tell your partner a story!” “ask your partner these questions!” She won’t tell a story, nor will she ask or answer questions until she is coaxed to for some time.

So the entire class is a normal classroom with a constant distracting soft buzz of this woman (when she isn’t calling out the answers).  Except when she is specifically asked to do something.  I made excuses for her in my head for a month before I finally accepted that she is just annoying as hell.

• Maybe she just isn’t really understanding that everyone takes turns?  Let’s assume she wasn’t understanding that.  This is not a beginning class.  If she started as a raw beginner at this school, there have been 6 months of courses before this.  Assuming she started last month at this school, when I started, she has now been there two months.  That’s enough time to learn.
• But *I* call out and don’t like group work, how can I judge her?  No. I might call out once or twice a class (you’d better BELIEVE I started counting myself when I saw how annoying she is), but I do not and have never called out on every answer.  And no, I don’t like partner or group work, but when I am put with a partner or in a group, I do my part whole-heartedly, I don’t force my partner to spend half the assignment time coaxing me into talking.
• Maybe she’s shy? She’s not too shy to talk over the rest of the class.
• She processes out loud, she can’t HELP it!  I have seen my teacher this month ask her several times not to do that.  This teacher has also asked her repeatedly not to call out answers.  She doesn’t stop.
• She’s an older (say, mid-50’s?) woman.  This isn’t easy for her.  No, it’s not easy for many of us, we manage to not make noise for the entire class.
• And finally, I was willing to continue making all of those excuses for her, right up to the moment I saw her react when someone else got an answer wrong.  An answer that annoying woman had begun calling out, and the teacher had shushed her in order to give someone else a chance.  Annoying woman made a sound of total disgust and disgust was in her glare at the offending student.  So no. Maybe, MAYBE if annoying woman was right every time, I could even forgive that, but as I mentioned before, she’s wrong half the time, too.

Obnoxious immature Bad People women won’t be in my class next month.  But guess who will?  That’s right!  Annoying woman!  I discovered when I discussed with a couple other students who would be taking the class and I ran around the classroom in my head, asking about each student in turn.  I tried, oh HOW I tried to keep completely neutral when asking about annoying woman.  I have no idea if I succeeded.  I do know that the student I was speaking with was NOT able to keep neutral.  He is easily the nicest nice boy ever.  His picture is probably in the dictionary next to nice.  And he was not able to hide his annoyance.

I was told next month’s class is going to be much larger, so I am guessing we are in a bigger classroom.  My plan:  show up a bit late and see where annoying woman has staked out her seat for the month.  I can start with my seat on day two.  Maybe, if I sit further away from her, I can escape her voice.  I can at least escape group work.

I’m going to rant just a little bit, about something that is both annoying me and making me feel ashamed. There are these two women — friends — in my German class. I am guessing they are in their mid-20’s, but they ACT like stereotypical high school mean girls. They flirt with the cute boys, completely ignore the older (say, mid-50’s to mid-60’s) man and woman, and either ignore the other women or treat us like shit. Well, ok, one ignores completely, the other has those two chosen methods. They kiss the teacher’s ass, and roll their eyes as soon as she or he turns away — I have seen them do this to three teachers now. On the one hand, while their condescending manner annoys me, I pretty much don’t care most of the time. On the other hand, they offend the feminist in me by being so damned stereotypical that the first words that leap to *MY* mind when I think of describing them are gendered insults. The one that interacts to condescend does seem very very focused on learning German well, so there is one thing I can say in favor of one of them.

But I almost really lost it today. Previously in class, we had learned the Konjunktiv II verb tense. What we learned is that we only needed to know this form of three verbs — basically “I wish I had,” “I wish I were <place>,” and “I wish I was doing <action>.” Today we learned that 100% of verbs have this form (that exists as the equivalent of “I wish I was doing <action>”) and also that we should never ever use them. The only ones that should ever get used are the three we learned already, the other ones we need to know about because they are sometimes used in literature. And I asked a question, clarifying that the two forms of “I wish I was doing <action>” meant the exact same thing (they do). And condescending woman, in her extremely condescending way, proceeds to show me the page where we learned the stuff before and tell me about how it is all there and I could just be looking it up, with the implication of “and not wasting the class’ time.” And, as politely as I could manage, pointed out that my question was regarding what we had JUST learned, not what we had learned before. But I was boiling, I almost leaped out of my seat and smacked her.

I needed to stay after class to ask the teacher something, but before I could, the two women gather up the remaining cute boys and the teacher all together, and condescending woman turns to me and asks “can you take a picture of us.” And it was so openly and transparently high-school mean girl that I was totally embarrassed for her. Because she has chosen to exist that way, and it’s so cringe-inducing that I could only feel bad for her. Honestly, my mood did a complete 180. I am guessing this was their last day of class, and now I wish her the best, and almost wish I had left her more openings, since she so obviously needs this to feel like a better person.

I’m still glad they’re not in the class next month.