Purple Saprkly Unicorn Shite

US Christmas Trip, Christmas

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 18:26:30 +0100

I guess I’ll do this in order, to make it readable. We arrived on Christmas Eve, and I had booked the car rental at the wrong place — not at the Dulles Airport Enterprise, but at one just off Dulles Airport. And they closed at 3, well before we made it through customs and had our bags. And the Dulles Airport Enterprise was out of cars.

In the best display of customer service I have ever seen, the guy at the Dulles Airport Enterprise called his competitors, found us a car at Budget, and drove us there. I will definitely be booking ALL my cars through them from now on.

We made it to the hotel and crashed. On Christmas Day, we drove around a bit, and I clipped the curb twice making right turns, and we got a flat tire. Even though we had not paid for the roadside assistance (and if I had not been so fried the day before, I surely would have), the Budget roadside assistance called someone to come out and change the tire for the donut in the trunk.

Driving around DC some more (KH now driving). We get to an intersection where I tell him to turn left. There is a “no left turn from 7-9:30am” sign. KH notices only the “no left turn” part halfway through the intersection, panics, doesn’t turn, and we end up on 295, heading into Anacostia. We get off the highway as soon as possible (driving on a donut!) and spend the next 90 minutes trying to get out of this tiny section of DC without getting on a highway. Ultimately we fail, and use Route 50 to get to my mom’s place.

We get to my mother’s place, and hung out with her for a bit. I did some laundry, and we visited. Then we went to Benihana for dinner. When I was looking for places to eat Christmas dinner, the Benihana Bethesda had the advantage of being open.

It was PACKED. Good thing I had reservations. But our cook was tired (we were probably his 8th table that evening), so the show wasn’t very good, and the food was thoroughly mediocre. And I was still having slight travelling upset tummy.

We get back to the hotel, and I am feeling quite nauseous, so we go to the gift shop to pay six dollars for a bottle of water. As I am grabbing my paid-for bottle, I turn to KH to say “I think I am going to throw up.” Unfortunately, I get as far as “I think” and proceed to barf all over KH and the gift shop.

The Hyatt Regency Washington staff are incredibly nice and caring and concerned people.

Back in our room, we find the weird thing that had been developing on lower stomach/upper groin area, in the crease of my thigh, had exploded and was oozing pus. A LOT of pus.

So, on the morning of the 26th, I got up and called my old doctor and Budget Rent-a-Car, and we went and swapped cars for one without a donut. They did not have our exact class, and offered us the next size up, which was a Grand Marquis. I said to KH that I would not be able to drive that, WAY too big. So we went for the next size down, and got a Volkswagen Jetta. This will be relevant later.

Next stop, doctor’s office, where oozing infected area turns out to be an ingrown hair. Antibiotics and cream. Totally doable.

Back to the hotel, where we dress and go to dinner at J&G’s Steakhouse. The one that had a Christmas Dinner menu link on their website, and were inexplicably NOT open on Christmas. But we got our terrific steak.

Next day up and leaving for Philly. Lunch is a frantic affair at the Famous Fourth Street Deli, with two brothers, a sister, a sister-in-law, me and KH, all trying to talk at once and catch up a year in an hour. On the plus side, it was right across the street from what may have been the best restaurant of the entire trip: Matyson’s, in Philly, where my sister encouraged us to have dinner. We both had the seared foie gras, because I do not share my foie gras. The one thing that marred the meal: I had taken my first bite of foie gras, and had my eyes closed, communing with it, and the waiter chose THAT MOMENT to ask if everything was ok. I almost HIT him. Dinner was the Long Island duck breast (me) and the hangar steak (KH). For dessert I had the Meyer Lemon souffle, I don’t actually remember what KH had. But every bit of everything was scrumptious. And the foie gras was a BIG portion (for foie gras).

Next day, on the road to Boston. And a new post.

A note before going: the original plan was to meet my mom, brother, and his girlfriend for the DC dinners, and one brother, sister and sister-in-law in Philly. My brother Mark decided to drive down to DC on Christmas and join us for the dinners, then met us again in Philly for lunch. This was great, since I haven’t seen him in several years, but when we got to Boston finally, and KH wanted to change the dinner plans, he had to ask “but are we supposed to be meeting Mark?”

You probably have to be a Kelly to understand how truly hilarious that is.

Cemetery Photobombing Part III, and Totally Not an Excuse

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 16:54:06 +0100

So I was supposed to do two posts yesterday to make up for the post I missed on Friday, but I remembered that I said BEFORE I EVEN STARTED THIS MONTH that wiki updates would count as blog posts. Because they take time and effort. So I did that last night instead.

It’s NOT an excuse, I made sure to stipulate this BEFORE NOV 1. And that is what matters.

Anyway, I’m still riding the coattails of cemetery photobombing. Totally. Today I post the church stuff. There’s a big church in the middle of the Zentralfriedhof that was built by Max Hegele, who does not have a page in the English wikipedia. He was a big shot architect around the turn of the 19th century.

It’s huge from the outside (side view):

Front View:

Mass had just let out when we entered, which was nice, we could roam around and take pictures. It’s really very lovely inside. Them Europeens do know how to make nice churches.

The dome is also pretty nifty looking.

Downstairs is the votive candle area — I shit you not, it’s a good ten degrees warmer in there than five steps away in the main church.

Because All Saint’s Day is a major holiday, they had a lot of the upstairs closed off. One gallery was open, and I got a couple pictures from there, of the altar from above (and slightly to one side)

and the other galleries

and the entrance

And the statues in our gallery (I am guessing there was cool stuff across the way, too, but we couldn’t get there).

This guy was downstairs, but didn’t seem to fit anywhere. He’s a cutie, though.

Cemetery Photobombing Part II -- Already Late

Sat, 03 Nov 2012 12:59:00 +0100

So I have to do two posts today to catch up, since I came home from work yesterday, went to sleep, and didn’t wake up again until this morning. But here we go… Part II of the Zentralfriedhof Wien!

We went from the overgrown and rundown parts to the new, well-maintained parts with recently dead people.

Here there were obviously lots of recent visitors — fresh flowers, some graves didn’t even have headstones yet.

I’m going out on a limb and saying this was the newest addition to the cemetery.

They make their dead people pretty here.

What I really liked is how people obviously come and spend time talking to their recently departed:

Benches! So you can really spend some time with them! What a neat idea!

And the headstones themselves are quite hip in this section. No boring straight-up-and-down-black-or-granite here:

Next up: the church.

Cemetery Photobomb and NaBloPoMo

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 21:06:00 +0100

So I am taking on the challenge of NaBloPoMo, and during November,I will be attempting to write a blog post every day. I made it easy on myself to start: KH and I went down to the Zentralfriedhof today, and I took a TON of pictures. So for at least a few days, I can photobomb the fuck out of tumblr. YAY!

Today we’ll start where the tour started: with the less-well-maintained, really overgrown parts. The ones KH calls “romantic.” And they really were. It was my favorite weather, chilly (42-46F or 6-8C) and very lightly raining from time to time, all misty and cool and foggy. Perfect graveyard weather, especially for these parts.

The deeper in we went, the more overgrown the graves became (that’s KH there, in the red jacket).

They weren’t even particularly old, this area is the Jewish area (that’s by religion, not race… there’s also a Buddhist area, and what KH thought was a Serbian Orthodox area). But there was this thing that happened about 70 years ago, and a lot of Jewish families weren’t around anymore to maintain their plots.

The cemetery is HUGE and has a decent amount of wildlife living there. KH says that in summer they are very active, and you see dozens of deer, hamsters (Giant European hamsters, not the cute little pet kind), and foxes. We weren’t expecting anything in November, but we got something:

We walked around them, and tried to find them from the other side. Lo and behold:

They weren’t particularly scared of us, they’ve seen people before.

And some of the gravestones have been burrowed into by those foot-long hamsters:

See the holes? That wasn’t limited to this section, either. I’m guessing it has more to do with that particular stone.

In some places it was particular jungle-like:

They are starting to clean up this section, so you can see brand new stones in between completely ivied-over monuments:

All in all, it was quite romantic:

More tomorrow, folks!

My first (two) weeks

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 23:01:00 +0200

Tomorrow I will have worked two full weeks at my new job. And it’s been very interesting. I don’t know if this is more of a challenge for me because I am in Foreign, or because I don’t speak German*. Or even if because it’s a large company, and the vast majority of my experience has been in tiny to small companies. I am gonna quote an old friend, who once wisely said “the answer is almost always ‘All of the Above.’”

But in two weeks, I have heard almost no one complain. And that’s the strangest thing of all. Everyone seems happy. Do they have concerns, and express them? Yes. But do they sit around and discuss how The Bosses(TM) are engaged in useless rhetorical bullshit, and how no one has a clue? I haven’t heard it. There is a distinct lack of Dilbert cartoons. Where’s the cynicism? Where’s the soul-sucking despair?

Well, we do get a minimum of 25 days (5 weeks) vacation per year. And that’s by law. And there is the kick-ass health care. Also by law. And the unlimited paid sick time (you guessed it! Mandated by law). So people are healthier and happier in general, you gotta factor that in.

It’s a large company — the number I hear quoted is 50,000 employees in eight countries. And they really want people to find their place. All job postings must be posted internally first, and anyone who wants to move to another position must be allowed to do so. The official company policy is that if they DON’T allow it, the person will just leave the company anyway, and then instead of just one department losing an employee, that employee will be adding their benefit nowhere in the company. And if they are a good employee, you don’t want that.

Rationality. Reasonableness. I remember one time at P&O, the company was opening a Florida office. They were practically begging people to move down there, even offering short term positions. Our IT guy really wanted to go. But, as it turns out, the truth was “please, please we need you in Florida — no, not you, Dave.” He was told he wouldn’t be allowed to transfer because they didn’t want to train someone new in Baltimore.

Guess how long before they were training someone new in Baltimore? I mean really, who the hell doesn’t see that coming?

It’s also company policy that of your five weeks of vacation, there must be one two-week block taken. It is felt a person does not get a chance to emotionally rejuvenate taking just a day here and there (and probably using it to run errands).

And to those who say “well, but they don’t make as much money,” I am, in fact, making MORE money now than I was in the US. As of today, quite a significant amount more, in fact. (As of two weeks ago, it was only slightly more… the dollar, she goes up and down).

I got an email from HR on Friday, letting me know a bunch of important things, including that my pro-rated vacation time for the year was 9 days, and I was expected to take it. I laughed so loudly that my officemate wanted in on the joke. And so I explained to her about 2 weeks vacation, and how I was expected to take an entire year’s worth of vacation in 10 1/2 weeks (since it would be extremely dubious to take any during my 30 day probationary period).

She hadn’t known about the brevity of US vacations. She was genuinely horrified. And I explained about how sick time was also limited. She asked what if something happened to an employee like just happened to her — she recently had an extremely serious case of pneumonia which included hospitalization, and was out of work for a month. I told her the truth: “well, once you’ve used up your vacation and sick leave, you just wouldn’t get paid,” and I cannot overstate her shock.

This led, of course, to a discussion of health care. And how I had one prescription that, when covered by insurance, cost $50/month. And how it is an expensive one here, it costs twice as much as your average medication here… which means it costs me 10€/month.

Dammit, this post is already too long, and all I’ve done is talk about vacation. I’ve got a lot more on my list!

People are nice, so far I really like my co-workers, and especially the two other assistants who are training me. And with that, I will bugger off until next time. Maybe I’ll manage to discuss the company cafeteria.

*There is a percentage of employees who don’t speak German. Not a large percentage, not here in Vienna at least, but the percentage exists.

My first (two) days

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:34:00 +0200

So I started my new job yesterday, and since I barely slept Sunday night, I came home and crashed out. KH was lovely, got us McDonald’s, came home, woke me up, I ate and went back to sleep. He woke me up a few hours later to make sure I showered, which I did, and went back to sleep.

I have a bit more energy today. Although I don’t know what I can say… it’s a new job. I have met dozens of people whose names I don’t remember, I have been reading my way through materials on Project Management Procedures at this place (in general yesterday, then through about 4 of the filled in templates today for the actual project I am being assigned to).

We went today to look at the construction site for the new campus they are building for my company, and the mock-up they have in the headquarters across the street. Tomorrow I have a three hour team meeting. So I am glad I got some productive work done today, and that I have stuff to do tomorrow. My new boss is out of the office completely on Thursday and Friday, which will give me a chance to deal with learning how to submit his expense reports and how to use a couple of the other systems.

The not speaking German is HARD. I mean, English is the company language, and everyone speaks it to at least a degree, but right now I am the only one in the office who speaks no German. So I am really concentrating on listening when people talk around me, to improve my understanding, and it is definitely going to be time to break out the Pimsleur again.

Combine that with not having worked for a bank before and getting used to

Bank terminology and practices
Terminology and abbreviations unique to this place of business
Half of which are in German
Terminology which reads like German-translated-into-English, which I know in English under different words (e.g., Both job posting and an RFP are called a “tender” which gradually makes more sense as I get used to it)

And I got myself a challenge here. It’s going to be much more thought-intensive than my previous jobs. I haven’t decided if that’s good or if I am lazy. The answer is probably somewhere in between.

Aside from all of that, my feet were swollen yesterday, so my new shoes gave me a blister. I wore my “interview shoes” today, which are comfortable but have heels, so my knees are killing me tonight. I think I might invest in a pair of black tennis shoes just for work. When I wear slacks, I can definitely get away with that.

There it is, job update. For everyone who asked.

Why am I learning German again?

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 12:37:00 +0200

So last night, KH and I went out for dinner. On our way to one restaurant, we encountered a new restaurant. Now, let me be honest. We were on our way to the Austrian TGIFridays (a chain restaurant with a menu that includes: schnitzel, bacon-wrapped sausage, schinkenfleckerl, and other traditional items) and the new restaurant was an Austrian Applebee’s (a chain restaurant with a menu that includes: schnitzel, bacon-wrapped sausage, schinkenfleckerl, and other traditional items). So when we decided to try the new place, we weren’t stretching ourselves. But they had tables outside, and it was a nice night. We sat.

At the table next to us were 3 NYU students. Not sure if they were just visiting, or in Vienna for a semester, or what, but we got to hear all their school reminiscing. The table behind us held two Eastern European women — we couldn’t identify which language, but it wasn’t German, and I just knew they sounded like some of the Eastern European women in my German classes. 4 Brits (discussing the artistic and literary merits of the Saw series of movies) sat at the table behind the NYU kids, and 5-6 Americans or Canadians at the table behind them (we couldn’t hear the discussion, only the occasional loud outburst in an accent I recognized). There were a few other tables, but we couldn’t hear enough to identify the speakers’ nationalities. The only German heard on the “patio” was KH talking to the waitress.

And this — on a Saturday evening — is NOT a tourist part of town.

So tell me, why am I learning German?

Some of us are a little different

Sat, 08 Sep 2012 13:00:00 +0200

I want to be clear: as much as this story may SEEM to be about a FB game, it is, in fact, about my own issues. The game is the vehicle.

I play Castle Age. Like any other RPG (or, in this case, dumbed down RPG-style vehicle for mindless clicking and ad sales), one has stats. Every time you level, you get 5 points to spend on stats. Every time you click enough times, you get a point to spend on stats. There are 5: energy, attack, defense, stamina, and health.

I am a stupidly high level, because I have been doing this for a every long time. So far, my energy, attack, and defense were all at 1,111. I was working on getting my stamina there, and it was going to take a long time.

The other day, I went to the page to allocate my skill points. I clicked next to stamina, but google chrome jumped at that moment, and I ended up clicking next to defense. My defense is now 1,112.

I WILL NEVER HAVE ALL MY STATS AT 1111.

What, am I suddenly Cliff Huxtable?

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 14:08:00 +0200

KH: How are you feeling today?

Me: You know, I could never sit here in the apartment and go 4 1/2 to 5 1/2 hours without smoking. NEVER. But put me on a plane, where it is just not allowed, to the point where there is totally no chance for me to smoke, and I don’t want a cigarette. I just don’t want one. I’m not going to hear about this job today. It’s Saturday. There is NO chance I will get a call. So I am not stressed about it.

KH: I think I missed something. I asked how you were feeling, and you talked about smoking on airplanes.

Me: It’s an ANALOGY. I was talking about how stressed I’ve been over waiting to hear about this job.

KH: I need more coffee before I ask you these questions.

Very Bad Mood

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 09:33:00 +0200

I am in a very bad mood. We went to register me for the unemployment service this morning (I don’t get unemployment money, since I haven’t worked in the EU yet, but it’s possible they will pay for more German classes if I am on their books for too long. They offer other people other training, but since I don’t speak German…).

Anyway, I have this book of coupons, issued by the city of Vienna, for language classes. I have to jump through some hoops to be able to use them — for each coupon, I have to go to an informational seminar or have an appointment somewhere to get it activated before I can use it at a language school.

But they keep changing the rules. So the unemployment service can no longer stamp the coupon. The next chance I have for a stamped coupon is not until the 14th of July, which means we can’t afford to have me attend class this month, which means I sit on my ass all month instead with NOTHING to do.

But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that *I can’t speak German.* So I am with KH, and he is asking about the stamps at the unemployment service, then we go to the Magistrat, and I can’t communicate with anyone. Which means:

I can’t explain in the way I know is right, I have to trust KH to do it
He won’t tell me what is happening until after, so I just have to *hope* he got it right
He won’t ask me anything, so I can’t provide the information I have
He obviously hasn’t listened when I told him in the past what was going on, because he does not have that information now
I’m a fucking useless bump on a log.

We might have been able to get the thing stamped today, if the above had not been true. Instead, I am stuck with a month of not leaving the house.

I am in a VERY bad mood.

ETA: I just realized I made KH sound bad. He listens, he just doesn’t retain the information the way I do, because it involves me directly and him at a remove.

Poor Sophie.

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 21:19:00 +0200

*I go into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.*

Sophie: I am so very hungry. I know it LOOKS like I have two bowls of wet food and a bowl of dry food to eat from, but the taste of those is as ashes in my mouth. I have heard tell of something called “treats.” Please, do you think I could just have a taste?

Me: Uh-uh, KH warned me. You got LOTS of treats an hour ago.

Sophie: I realize you might take his word over mine, as he is human, and I am but a cat, but I assure you, I have never had these delicacies. All I have had to eat since the day I was born is this… grass flavored kibble. My heart longs for the day when I might be graced with just the smallest morsel of “treat.”

Me: YOU JUST HAD TREATS.

Sophie: I am sure I would remember if that were so. *sighs heavily* but… perhaps a bite of what YOU are having? Is there enough to share just a wee bit with a very old lady, such that she might dream of feasts?

Me: I’m making COFFEE you idiot. Cats don’t drink coffee. Or eat coffee grounds.

Sophie: I assure you, cats LOVE coffee, and this cat in particular pines for a tiny drop.

*m0053 comes bounding in*

m0053: HEY! Are we getting treats? I LOVE TREAT TIME! OOO, whatcha got there? Is that a treat?

Sophie (to m0053): HISSSS. You’re ruining EVERYTHING

Sophie (to me): DAMN IT GIVE ME SOME FUCKING TREATS ALREADY.

Me: FINE. *offers bag of coffee to m0053 and Sophie to sniff*

m0053: oh, hey, that’s not a treat. Thanks but NO thanks. Imma head back to bed.

Sophie: THAT’S NOT REALLY WHAT YOU’RE EATING, I KNOW IT.

Sophie: FINE. BE THAT WAY.

*Sophie heads to food dish. Takes a bite of kibble, sighs deeply, looks at me miserably, takes another bite of kibble.*

Sophie: No one loves Sophie.

Opinions needed: I need a resume headshot

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 20:26:00 +0200

And we have narrowed it down to cropping one of the following two pics (it needs to be a CHEERFUL headshot).

Pic 1:

Pic 2:

What do y’all think?

I love Wil Wheaton

Sun, 20 May 2012 12:10:42 +0200

wilwheaton:

I think I don’t want to hear a single fucking thing from Erasure on my 80s Alternative Slacker station, and then they go and play the Erasure cover of ABBA’s Take A Chance On Me, and suddenly I’m dancing around the house like an idiot and I hate myself but also I love everything about the song and the dance and that I’m doing it.

Phone woes

Thu, 17 May 2012 22:16:00 +0200

joshishollywood:

My phone battery is to the point where I technically do in fact have a functioning phone on me at all times and you can always reach me on it provided that I never make the fatal mistake of… I believe the word I’m searching for here is “using” it

This is the shape my iPhone is in, and I have finally come to the conclusion that a completely non-functional iPhone* is NOT, in fact, better than a smartphone of a different brand that actually works. We mourn. And tomorrow we buy a new, significantly less expensive phone (seriously, they are ludicrously expensive here).

*IT WORKS. As long as I don’t check my email or use any of the web-based apps at ALL, and don’t use any other apps for too long. Then it crashes.

he bought you dinner, you do owe him sex

Sat, 12 May 2012 06:13:00 +0200

stfuconservatives:

jsohcable:

otherwise why did you go on the date? he didn’t do it to spend time with you, you’re a shrill dullard. he doesn’t give a shit about your AA hire career, he actually earned his position. he went on the date because he wants sex. you went on the date because you’re a conceited gold digger.

the revolution is coming ladies, less and less men are putting up with your intolerable behavior and hysterics. you brought this on yourselves, don’t blame me for pointing it out. you poisoned the waters, and men aren’t drinking from them anymore.

I’ve seen this getting reblogged, but not with the full text, so here it is in all of its ignorant misogynist glory.

Basically this is how rapists think. You believe a woman owes her body to you because you coughed up $30 for entrees and drinks. You believe there are any circumstances under which a woman is required to have sex with you.

This is why I hate and distrust all men’s right’s activists. Because this is their core belief: women are just dull conceited shrill hysterical banshees trying to manipulate hard-working honest men for their moniez and sperm.

Sometimes women go on dates to have sex too. But sometimes we want to get to know a guy (or girl, or other person) a bit more first. Sometimes people are looking for love. Or love AND sex. Sometimes you buy us dinner and YOU are dull and conceited and have heinously oppressive political views, and maybe we would have slept with you if you weren’t awful, but you are, and we don’t owe you sex EVER.

I managed to go on plenty of dates and get married, even with my feminazi bonerkiller man-eating ways. Ladies (and everyone else too): do NOT settle for an asshole like this. Under no circumstances do you owe anyone your body. There are worthy people out there who are capable of forming human relationships without demeaning all women and then pulling a “don’t blame me, I’m just sayin!!!” cop-out.

-Jess

This is why you NEVER let the guy pay for you on the first date. EVER. And you know what? Some of these fuckers will try to INSIST they pay. You’re all set to split or even pick up the check, and this asshole is all “NO, I AM THE MAN, I INSIST.”

I don't speak German and it's killing me

Sat, 05 May 2012 23:35:00 +0200

So tonight KH asked me why I have been so tense and jumpy the past few days. And I realized I’m so damned scared and frustrated.

At the end of this month, I will be finished taking the B1 course. The school may or may not offer a B2 course next month, it depends on how many people are interested.

But that’s not the point. The point is that by the end of B1, I should be conversant in German, and I’m not. I don’t speak German.

Which means I can’t get a job.

Which isn’t entirely true… I was told there was a company whose name I won’t mention who hires absolutely anyone to be a language teacher, because they are so awful to work for that they have constant turnover.

It’s not in my field, but let’s face it, my field is “Advanced Secretary” and if I don’t speak German, there is nothing for me in my field.

So, unless the UN suddenly calls me back this month, I will be applying at said company.

And, at 37, have managed to fail ALMOST to the bottom.

So yes, I am tense. And frustrated. And in two or three years, maybe I will speak enough German to get a job I am qualified for.

And no, I can’t talk about this without crying, which makes it kind of useless to try to plan.

The Continued Adventures of Shopping in Vienna on Saturdays

Sat, 05 May 2012 17:20:00 +0200

So we had stuff we needed, which meant today was time to make an expedition to a hardware store. We needed a fan, and we need a way to screen our windows so that m0053 (in particular) does not leap to his tiny kitty death in the street. Or, more likely, fall the two stories to his death. We made a temporary fix when I got here at the end of last summer, but it really only prevents sudden attacks on the windows, and the windows have to be closed when we are asleep or not here. Which, in a land devoid of air conditioning, makes for a pretty miserable summer.

Unfortunately, we have really, REALLY annoying windows for this. There are two sets of windows, an outside and inside set:

BOTH sets of windows have to be open to have open windows. And they both open inward. Which means all that lovely space where you THINK you could put a screen? No.

A screen has to go outside the outside windows. And these are very, VERY common windows, easily half or more of the Viennese windows are like this. KH has firmly nixed any permanent structure mounted outside, he is not going to endanger life and/or limb trying to climb around. Nor will he let me do so.

Ideally, we would just grab a retractable window screen of the right size. It sticks in, opens up, goes in and out very easily. We used them at another house I lived in in the US. They kept the cats in just fine.

One problem. They don’t exist here. We went to the hardware store and spoke to several of the employees. Not only does that kind of thing not exist here, they had nothing at all to offer us for our type of window. Have I mentioned that more than half of Viennese windows are in this style? And yet, there is no possible screen for them.

Sometimes I am really blown away by the European willingness to just accept suckage. A city in the US where more than half the buildings had these types of windows would quickly have contractors specializing in fixing the issue, a dozen different products for remedying the situation, SOMETHING. As it is, I think we’re going to end up importing sliding frame window screens from the US.

What we DID get was bendy plastic cable covers… which we hope will prove stiff enough to keep the screen in, and yet flexible enough to bend so we can pull them in and out without cracking. Those plus insect netting (for the first try), a heavy-duty stapler (for assemblage) and a plastic-saw (for cutting the cable covers to size) will be our first experiment. Oh, and we also got a fan.

And home! On the way, I asked KH if, since we were being so productive, we could take my kitchen knife to the knife store down the block to be sharpened. My German is exactly good enough to walk into the store, pull out the knife, and ask for it to be sharpened. ANY CURVE BALLS WHATSOEVER, and I am lost. Utterly. Which means I need KH with me.

As we are getting off the subway with our hardware store loot, a blast of smell hits us. Right, there is a legalize marijuana demonstration on the big shopping street off of which we live. A GIANT demonstration. KH sniffs the air and goes “oh, yes.” I also sniff and say “SKUNK!”

He leans in with a very patient look and explains we are probably smelling marijuana. I return the patient look, and explain skunk.

Home, drop off hardware store loot, grab knife, put in backpack, head back out. It takes us about ten minutes to get through the demonstration to the knife shop approximately half a block away.

We go in, I remove my beautiful Wustof 8” Chef’s knife from my bag and place it on the counter. She says it will take a week to sharpen. KH offhandedly lets me know, at which point I FLIP. ”A WEEK! NO WAY!” I grab back my knife.

KH: What? You need it sharpened!

Me: I ALSO need to EAT for the next week. How am I supposed to CUT anything without it?

KH: *talks to the woman a bit in German* It’s going to take a week. It doesn’t matter when you bring it in.

Me: I’ll find another way. Another shop, or I’ll buy a sharpener and learn to sharpen.

KH: Don’t be dramatic. We HAVE knives.

(No, no we don’t. This is his entire knife collection)

(note that the large knife is both serrated and bendy. As is the medium knife, for that matter.)

It is obvious at this point that the woman understands English, even if she doesn’t speak it, because she is totally laughing her ass off at us. Also, when I said “I’ll buy a sharpener,” she proceeded to get down a sharpener from the display case. And since I also know my knives (and therefore tended to know at least what she was talking ABOUT), and can get out some German sentences, KH was both required and oddly superfluous.

KH: Fine. We’ll get a second knife. Then you can get this one sharpened.

Me: This knife cost $120 in the US. It’s twice as much here.

The woman goes to the display case and takes down an 8” knife and brings it over. It’s 60€. I say (in German), “That’s not Wustof.” She says no, the Wustof knife is 82€.

KH and I generally argue: about the sharpener, about needing the knife sharpened, about getting a new knife. In the meantime, the woman discreetly slips a cardboard blade cover out of the drawer and covers my Wusthof blade with it. I think she was worried one of us might use it.

Skipping ahead, I am finally convinced to purchase a second, different knife. A Wustof Santoku. For only 60€. It also turns out that “Santoku” is the same word in English and German. At least, when I say “Santoku,” she picks the right thing out of the cabinet.

She completes our pick-up slips, and KH pays for the knife, and then she starts explaining something to him. I understand him saying “EVERY time?” and her emphatically agreeing “EVERY time.” I ask him, “Is she saying I should be honing it?” ”Yes,” he says. ”I KNOW. Do you have any idea how much honers COST here*?” He quickly hustles me out of the store.

I find out later that the whole time I was giving my monologue about “how will I cut cheese? How will I cut bacon? How will I cut onions?” she was backing me with “There is NOTHING like a good kitchen knife.”

Thus proving once again that language is no barrier to that true spiritual understanding that can flourish between two people.

*I deliberately did not bring a honer with me, because they cost $10-15, and backpack space was at a premium. I purchased and brought the Wustof knife because I saw how much more expensive they were here.

Honers in the shops on our street start at 50€. Same as box graters for cheese. I am sure I can find cheaper ones online, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Introducing the Austrian to American Food

Wed, 02 May 2012 21:39:00 +0200

So KH loves my mac’n’cheese (I admit, getting the Gouda, Raclette and Fontina in Europe gives it a bit of an edge), and my mashed potatoes. He “doesn’t like lime juice” but really likes my fajita-style burritos (the chicken is marinated overnight in lime juice). He thinks English Muffins and Rice-a-Roni are bland, but went gaga for my black bean and chorizo soup, and the chorizo-rice-egg burritos (I brought back English muffins, Rice-a-Roni and Mexican chorizo from my last US trip). Pasta with A1 sauce? A big fan.

But tonight I made Sloppy Joe’s. I found Manwich at Bobby’s, and have been waiting for hamburger buns to come in season (soft buns of any type are specialty items here, the semmel are harder sandwich buns which just won’t work with Sloppy Joe’s).

I made my own “recipe”, which involves throwing in some chopped onion and chipotle peppers to the beef and sauce.

I toast two buns, put them on his plate, hand them to him, and go to pour myself some ginger ale.

When I look again, he has topped the four bun pieces with Sloppy Joe’s and is eating them open-faced. I point out he is supposed to eat them like a sandwich. He stares in disbelief. ”But then when I bite it, all this will go everywhere!” ”yes, that’s why they’re called Sloppy Joe’s.” ”And that’s a GOOD thing?”

He likes them a great deal, but refuses to eat them sloppy. I don’t know if he is a genius or a heretic.

It's not just me -- The OTHER annoying person in my German class

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 19:00:00 +0200

So, yesterday I posted about 2 women (no longer) in my German course who annoyed me because they were immature and mean and behaved in stereotypical fashions which offended my feminism. And a dear friend said they probably also annoyed other people. Today I am writing about the OTHER Very Annoying Person in my class and how I found out that she does, indeed, annoy everyone.

Here’s the thing: She seems nice enough in the class-is-not-in-full-swing-this-very-moment sessions. And I share some of her bad habits. So I am not harshing on her as badly as I was yesterday, where I think those women might actually be Bad People. But holy FUCK is she annoying. Here is what she does: never, ever stops making noise. I would say “talking” except that what comes out of her mouth most of the time is speech so quiet as to just be an unintelligible buzz. Loud enough to distract, but you can only understand if you really focus on it. But that’s ok, because you know what she is saying: either the answer, or repeating someone else 3-4 words behind.

You know what? It’s easier to make a list:

She calls out the answer to every question, usually before the teacher is finished asking it. This is irritating enough when someone is always right, but she’s not, she’s only right about half the time. This is one of those times I was hesitant to say anything ever, because I do this sometimes, too. Call out the answers. But I will do this once or twice a class, maybe. Not with every answer.
She does this even when another person is specifically called on in advance.
If it’s the third or fourth time the teacher has specifically called on someone in advance (note: she must learn this lesson anew every single class), she will instead repeat along after the person 2-3 words into the answer. Even if the answer was in the form of writing your own sentence, so I don’t really know what she’s “repeating.” Giving her own answer? Trying to guess what the other student wrote?
On those occasions when the class works in a circle, either reading a paragraph a sentence at a time or giving one answer from the exercise at a time, the circle stops when it gets to her. She will continue reading and giving answers until the teacher forcibly interrupts her and moves it on to the next person.
She reads without inflection, as if she is reading a list of words and not a coherent sentence. This is another time I sympathize with her, because if I have just been presented with a paragraph in German, I also will read with either no or the decidedly wrong inflection, until I have a chance to puzzle thoroughly what it means. She reads sentences she just wrote this way.
If someone else is reading, she reads along out loud, 2-3 words behind. Yes, even if it is the teacher.
If the teacher is explaining something, she repeats the last 2-3 words of each sentence the teacher says.
And yet, in group work, she refuses to do her part. Again, I have some sympathy. I hate group work for a number of reasons, and if the teacher assigns us to groups and I can get away with being the odd one out who has to do the assignment on my own? I will totally do that. However, she jumps into her group and then does nothing. ”Tell your partner a story!” “ask your partner these questions!” She won’t tell a story, nor will she ask or answer questions until she is coaxed to for some time.

So the entire class is a normal classroom with a constant distracting soft buzz of this woman (when she isn’t calling out the answers). Except when she is specifically asked to do something. I made excuses for her in my head for a month before I finally accepted that she is just annoying as hell.

Maybe she just isn’t really understanding that everyone takes turns? Let’s assume she wasn’t understanding that. This is not a beginning class. If she started as a raw beginner at this school, there have been 6 months of courses before this. Assuming she started last month at this school, when I started, she has now been there two months. That’s enough time to learn.
But *I* call out and don’t like group work, how can I judge her? No. I might call out once or twice a class (you’d better BELIEVE I started counting myself when I saw how annoying she is), but I do not and have never called out on every answer. And no, I don’t like partner or group work, but when I am put with a partner or in a group, I do my part whole-heartedly, I don’t force my partner to spend half the assignment time coaxing me into talking.
Maybe she’s shy? She’s not too shy to talk over the rest of the class.
She processes out loud, she can’t HELP it! I have seen my teacher this month ask her several times not to do that. This teacher has also asked her repeatedly not to call out answers. She doesn’t stop.
She’s an older (say, mid-50’s?) woman. This isn’t easy for her. No, it’s not easy for many of us, we manage to not make noise for the entire class.
And finally, I was willing to continue making all of those excuses for her, right up to the moment I saw her react when someone else got an answer wrong. An answer that annoying woman had begun calling out, and the teacher had shushed her in order to give someone else a chance. Annoying woman made a sound of total disgust and disgust was in her glare at the offending student. So no. Maybe, MAYBE if annoying woman was right every time, I could even forgive that, but as I mentioned before, she’s wrong half the time, too.

Obnoxious immature Bad People women won’t be in my class next month. But guess who will? That’s right! Annoying woman! I discovered when I discussed with a couple other students who would be taking the class and I ran around the classroom in my head, asking about each student in turn. I tried, oh HOW I tried to keep completely neutral when asking about annoying woman. I have no idea if I succeeded. I do know that the student I was speaking with was NOT able to keep neutral. He is easily the nicest nice boy ever. His picture is probably in the dictionary next to nice. And he was not able to hide his annoyance.

I was told next month’s class is going to be much larger, so I am guessing we are in a bigger classroom. My plan: show up a bit late and see where annoying woman has staked out her seat for the month. I can start with my seat on day two. Maybe, if I sit further away from her, I can escape her voice. I can at least escape group work.

I hate encountering people who are caricatures of themselves

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 12:37:00 +0200

I’m going to rant just a little bit, about something that is both annoying me and making me feel ashamed. There are these two women — friends — in my German class. I am guessing they are in their mid-20’s, but they ACT like stereotypical high school mean girls. They flirt with the cute boys, completely ignore the older (say, mid-50’s to mid-60’s) man and woman, and either ignore the other women or treat us like shit. Well, ok, one ignores completely, the other has those two chosen methods. They kiss the teacher’s ass, and roll their eyes as soon as she or he turns away — I have seen them do this to three teachers now. On the one hand, while their condescending manner annoys me, I pretty much don’t care most of the time. On the other hand, they offend the feminist in me by being so damned stereotypical that the first words that leap to *MY* mind when I think of describing them are gendered insults. The one that interacts to condescend does seem very very focused on learning German well, so there is one thing I can say in favor of one of them.

But I almost really lost it today. Previously in class, we had learned the Konjunktiv II verb tense. What we learned is that we only needed to know this form of three verbs — basically “I wish I had,” “I wish I were <place>,” and “I wish I was doing <action>.” Today we learned that 100% of verbs have this form (that exists as the equivalent of “I wish I was doing <action>”) and also that we should never ever use them. The only ones that should ever get used are the three we learned already, the other ones we need to know about because they are sometimes used in literature. And I asked a question, clarifying that the two forms of “I wish I was doing <action>” meant the exact same thing (they do). And condescending woman, in her extremely condescending way, proceeds to show me the page where we learned the stuff before and tell me about how it is all there and I could just be looking it up, with the implication of “and not wasting the class’ time.” And, as politely as I could manage, pointed out that my question was regarding what we had JUST learned, not what we had learned before. But I was boiling, I almost leaped out of my seat and smacked her.

I needed to stay after class to ask the teacher something, but before I could, the two women gather up the remaining cute boys and the teacher all together, and condescending woman turns to me and asks “can you take a picture of us.” And it was so openly and transparently high-school mean girl that I was totally embarrassed for her. Because she has chosen to exist that way, and it’s so cringe-inducing that I could only feel bad for her. Honestly, my mood did a complete 180. I am guessing this was their last day of class, and now I wish her the best, and almost wish I had left her more openings, since she so obviously needs this to feel like a better person.

I’m still glad they’re not in the class next month.